Birthday Blues

Next week I celebrate another birthday. I vaguely remember a time in my childhood when the anticipation of a birthday and all that it entailed brought great excitement. But since turning 40, a decade ago, it seems that birthdays only bring the blues. Like uninvited guests, a family of demons seems to move into my home for several weeks. They are loud and obnoxious, and with names like Regret and Disappointment, they  crowd my space. They occupy my thinking, steal pleasure from my  day to day activities, and create a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. Intellectually, I know that I invite them in the day I begin to conduct my annual life in review and  dwell on the "should of", "could of," and "would ofs"  of my life thus far. I go through my mental list and I check off, one by one, all of the dreams unacted on, opportunities not taken, and goals not achieved .It is no wonder, that after several weeks of this daily mental diet, I am filled with the blues. 

 I suspect, that an impending birthday would seem to most like a ridiculous, and self-indulgent reason for someone to be sad, but, I'm afraid it is just my twist on the kind of stinking thinking that we all indulge in from time to time. The kind of thinking, believe it or not, that is common to people in the helping professions who like to give, but can't receive. The blues might also be a common occurrence for carepartners who are too tired, too overwhelmed, and too guilty to ask for help.

I will eventually shake this blue  mood I am in. My birthday, the trigger event for my stink fest will pass. More importantly, I am working to re-focus my thinking  on what I still want and what is still possible for my life, and cultivating a mindset to receive it. To help with making the shift, I am re-reading a book I purchased a few months ago: the power of receiving by Amanda Owen.

If you are someone like me, whose tendency has been to spend more time in life dwelling upon what you want than how to receive it, this book might be for you.

                                      Mary one year old.....